So I had this written for you in January but I misplaced the Book that it was in. I also realized that I was writing with so much anger and I had to step back from this update for a little while. My Apologies for not getting this to you sooner a lot has happened since but I think you need this update to understand what has come out of it…..there Is beauty in the ashes.

“If calamity comes upon us…we will stand in your presence…for we have no power to face what is attacking us. We do not know what to do but our eyes are on you.” 2 Chronicles 20:7-12
I never knew an “x” could be so intimidating. For me, The simple letter with a complex sound always meant a treasure was near. Used for centuries as a universal symbol on treasure maps, the x was the goal to obtain. Even when an x appeared on a school paper, due to a wrong answer, the x still represented a drive to do better; to correct a mistake and strive for excellence….That was until about 4 months ago. I never knew an x could change lives over night and leave destruction in its wake.

Since last march, Benin has been transitioning to a new president. Interestingly enough America is transitioning as well. All that aside, Benin’s new president has issued a “liberation of public spaces” In other words, the government has initiated operation red X where anything that has a red x on it is eliminated,. This includes and is not limited to business, fruit stands, generators, stairs etc. Anything that is found across the government lines was removed. Excavators with the bucket and military is involved. Believe me this is not a pretty sight. I have gone through the destruction sites on the back of a Zim. Large crowds form far enough from the military enforcement lines. They watch as their buildings and businesses are destroyed, No Questions asked.

Our Shop is among thousands that did not completely survive the wrath of the excavator. In December our business among all the others in our area were issued a letter that gave us until the end of January to remove the places marked with an X ourselves. Of course we did that because we knew that when the government came things would be removed in anger. As many of you know we had an extension to our shop where we kept Our fridge and some other goods. We were starting to make some plans for this space when we received this letter. James removed the marked space thinking that he removed all that he was supposed to. As you saw in the photo that I posted the front of our shop fell under the wrath of the angry excavator.

Lately I feel like I’ve entered the place on the map where the map makers of old wrote “ there be dragons” This is uncharted territory. This is a place where fear meets faith and faith conquers; Where the Lord keeps encouraging us that we will not have to fight a battle but stand firm and see the deliverance of the Lord. Like Jehoshaphat in 2 Chronicles who knew a vast army was coming against him but God gave him rest on every side. If we meet with trouble in the way of duty God is still faithful. God is still at work and he is bigger than excavators and xs This is a lesson that I have to keep being reminded of.

Update since the X:
Many of the people around our shop have been removed leaving more of a demand on our business.

We have started selling bread in our shop which has increased the patronage and its been a huge blessing.
The places that have been cleaned out have actually made Benin Look more beautiful and safe. The President is trying to create more space for parks and trees…and I actually find my self supporting his decisions

We have actually moved into a new house which is much bigger and will be a better space to minister and disciple the people that we have been working with, Its more private and everyday I love it more.

Hebrew women are not like Egyptian women; they are vigorous and give birth before the midwives arrive.” Exodus 1:19

I can say that my time here in Benin hasn’t always been easy. I have experienced a whole gauntlet of emotions since I arrived that I don’t even know where to begin. In so many places fear has met faith and faith has won. Apprehension has met trust and though it wavered trust conquered. Again and again I have been reminded of God’s earlier callout from years ago of, “Bekah, my Beloved do you trust me?” Over the years I have learned that that trust not only embodies every aspect of my own life but now also the life of my husband and my children. The handing over of something so incredibly precious to me to a Heavenly Father who has revealed time and time again that He is faithful.

Many of you know the struggles and the heartache of these last few years. Then why stay you might ask? I can’t always pinpoint why I have been called to this land, but I can tell you that I am supposed to be here. The missionary’s journey is not always about these great breakthroughs, but about what God teaches you along the way. Paul’s journey is one of the best examples. Sometimes just taking a step back and seeing God in the common place is what is asked of us.

Two years ago I found out that we were expecting again. Within weeks of that discovery our joy turned to mourning as the baby I was carrying exchanged its life for mine. Again this was a lesson in trusting in God’s infinite wisdom provision and faithfulness. Learning that even in the desert places I could still learn how to dance. That even when all that was within me was dry, my God is a God who provides. I had to stop myself from becoming bitter and from holding everything against this land. From lamenting in the unfamiliar and forgetting that God hung the stars in the sky. Even on the darkest night, under heavy cloud cover, they are still there, God is still there. He is the author and finisher of this journey and even though we can’t see the reasons. Now we know that this too is part of our testimony.

In my last update I mentioned that despite some of the things happening around us there were many exciting things happening on the horizon. My last picture highlights one of those things. We welcomed a wonderful little treasure into this world on April 24th at 12:40 West African time. (5 Hours ahead of Eastern Standard time) A miracle baby because the odds of his birth were greatly decreased after my ectopic pregnancy.

God restores what the locusts have eaten. We named him Joel Chiagoziem Mahuton Ekekwe. From the beginning I kept getting the verse from Exodus about the quick births of the Hebrew women. The idea of giving birth in a foreign county is already daunting and I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to run home, but my feet were planted here and I kept hearing Bekah do you trust me?

I have a wonderful job at the American International school here. I actually started this job and found out we were expecting in the same week. That doesn’t always bode well for new employment, but God has this awesome way of preparing the waters before I even step foot in them. When we made the decision to deliver here, we also decided that I would work as long as I could before the baby arrived. I stopped working on Friday and on Monday we had a doctor’s appointment and little did we know little Joel wanted to come that day too.

I started having contractions about 45 minutes before the appointment. James and I thought that we had some time and I was kind of hesitant to go if I was just going to go back later. Thankfully my husband convinced me to go anyway. We had Jadon with us because he was recovering from a fever from the weekend. ( Mind you this is the same hospital that did my surgery and Jadon was pretty traumatized after this experience)

Since we moved closer to the city we were able to walk to the hospital. This was no easy task because my contractions got worse – especially when we had to cross the street. With each step I tried to maintain a semi straight face because I was concerned for Jadon. He had been with us in the hospital during that first episode and still had some trauma from it as evident when we went to the hospital to confirm the pregnancy and check to make sure that everything was where it was supposed to be. Jadon kept asking from behind the curtain, “Mama is everything ok?” His prayer that night almost broke my heart when he placed his hand on my belly and said “Lord thank you for Mama. Help her stomach to feel better so she doesn’t need a doctor.” “Amen.”

We were 38 minutes late to our appointment so we had to wait a little bit to see the doctor. My contractions were increasing and finally I got to the point where I couldn’t take anymore so I told James to call somebody. Well that started a whirlwind of events! When they brought me to a room (The same room I went into shock in) they tried to check me but my contractions were too great and I couldn’t lie down flat on my back. The doctor came in the room and had me come into her office. When I was finally able to get on her table I was fully dilated and ready to push. They rushed me to the delivery room.

From the beginning I was worried about the language barrier and though I can understand some french, I didn’t think I could handle interpreting it all through the pain. We actually went to other hospitals that were recommended to us, but all of them wouldn’t let James in the delivery room with me but this one would. When it came down to it, it all didn’t matter because everything happened so fast! While I was being bought to delivery James was getting Jadon set up with a distraction. Literally as soon as I was brought into that room I just needed to push! As soon as I was on that table, The doctor wasn’t ready, James wasn’t there, but I knew the baby was coming. I pushed twice and he was out. James came about 15 minutes later and I just looked at him and nodded to where the baby was and said he’s over there.

I surprised all of the nurses and the doctor. They told James that next time I’m having contractions to bring me in sooner. I am so thankful that everything went so smoothly. Huge answered prayers and the Lord encouraged me through the verse, He is so faithful!!!

We Named him Joel Chiagoziem Mahuton. Joel=Jehovah is God, Chiagoziem= Igbo For God has blessed me and Mahuton=Beninoise name meaning Gods own. This child has tied us to this land. Whenever we have to fill in his place of birth it will always say Cotonou Benin.

At first we had a really hard time finding a boys name because we thought we were having a girl. James and I went back and forth on the name and couldn’t decide. We had Joel on our list but we already have a Joel in our family but when I was rereading the book of Joel I was hit by Joel2.

“Be Glad people of Zion rejoice in the Lord your God for he has given you the autumn rains in righteousness. I will restore the years that the locusts have eaten. You will have plenty to eat until you are full and you will praise the name of the Lord your God.” Joel 2:23-26

God restores in abundance. He makes all things beautiful and joy comes in the morning. We are entering into quite a season and I stand in this place where the mountain in front of us seems so overwhelming, but I know that God has been working upstream and there will be a time of abundant rain.


We are so thankful for God’s provision through the school that I am working at. We were abe to get local health insurance which has made all of these doctor appointments and delivery so much easier.

I have been hired as a teacher for the next year and I will be teaching intensive English. (This year I was a paraprofessional.)

We have moved into a new house which is an absolute blessing! Our hold house was about the size of a large shipping container and it was very tight for our growing family. We also shared our yard with 4 other families which proved to be difficult at times for various reasons.

This new house allows for better options and space for the ministry


The expat youth have been on my heart and there are not many outlets for them to grown and be discipled in their relationship with Christ. I am in prayer on starting a youth group with these kids. I am also seeking wisdom in starting a prayer/bible study with the local women in our new area.

I will not be receiving an income until September and our finances our going to be a little tight. Please pray with us for God’s provision in these areas. Here are some of the things that are our on our list.

I need to finish some of my Classes to be certified so that means that I will be working full time and taking online classes.

We need to update some of James paperwork (ie resident card, business license etc).

Birth Certificate and passport for Joel (We won’t be able to get his birth certificate until June).

Adding Joel to our insurance (after June) until then getting his vaccines and doctor’s appointments.

Jadon and my 3 year visa expires in July, so we will have to renew these.

Please also keep our shop in prayer. Since we purchased the shop we have not had the money to fully stock it the way it should be. We had to handle many of the bills from the previous owner and because of this we have had to play “Tetris” with our funds. We are praying for possible sponsors to invest in the shop and help us bring it to where it should be. It’s all in the Lord’s hands.

“If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting on the right hand of God, set your mind on things above,not on things on the earth. “Collosians 3:1-2

the scene is familiar: Its the end of the year and something about the season makes everyone run from here to there checking off their “;to-do” list. Post men are busy delivering packages while others are carefully tracking said packages to their door. Greeting of good cheer are easily handed out….that is until the line at the grocery store is longer than usual or your package is delivered three days past schedule. Suddenly the warm fuzzies of the season become an angry melody of our hearts. We put a rush on the things that we feel are owed to us and we make a futile attempt to rectify and justify all that is wrong with out world. the postman is to blame or the slow cashier carries the weight of all just went wrong with our day.

What is it about the turn of a New year that uncovers all our faults and disappointments? as the clock strikes 12 the glass slipper of our unmet expectations crashes before us and we focus our wrath on the one who didn’t deliver while the excitement of the package gets lost in our anger. When we reflect on the previous 365 days, its the failures and offenses that glare back at us like a lion awaiting its prey. So we make New Years resolutions buy magazines, join clubs and promise that this year is going to be different all in a pathetic attempt to explain why the glass slipper didnt fit on our foot.We make excuses while the prince (not the cinderella prince or even Leopold but the Prince of Peace) looks on knowing that the slipper is indeed ours.

When the new Year comes around its easy to forget that the resolutions that we make to fix ourselves outwardly wont stick until we call upon the one who understands all the ticks and tocks of our inner being. The one who designed us and called us to live a life as an heir to the throne. As daughters and sons of a most high God. The outlook of our next chapter should reflect the light in us not the shadows of the darkness that are behind us.

Our New years resolution should be living out the Gospel in all areas of our lives. In our marriages, our relationships with others, and in our waiting rooms and through our storms. our response to all offense should be with a quiet voice and a listening ear.

We place so many expectations on others and when those expectations go un met we throw in the towel and let it become moldy and disgusting and rots in the corner of our hearts. Anger grows in our heart because we feel offended and slighted while in the meantime others don’t understand why we have distanced ourselves because they dont know that they dont measure up to a harbored and unmet expectation. Im so glad that God does not withhold his love because of the words that we speak or the expectations that we hold over his head. He chases us down and leaves the 99 to relentlessly extend a love that we dont deserve.

May we live out the days knowing that we are coheirs and daughters and sons of a King. may we give up hiding from a love so deep that it covers a multitude of sins. may we live out the gospel in all areas of our lives.

May the wounds of our hearts be uncovered that we might step boldly before the throne and give it all to the one who can handle it better than we ever could.

I pray this year that it marks a turning point in how we view ourselves and how we view others. I pray that our anger doesnt blind us to the love that others need. That our wounds are healed once and for all.

May the days of our joy outnumber the days of our discouragement.

Weary traveler

“How can one feed these people with bread in a desolate place?….And He said to them do you not yet understand?” Mark 8: 4 & 2

In 1913 the Ford motor company had to hire 963 workers for every 100 it needed to maintain the payroll. Henry Ford was after quality and in doing so he raised the minimum wage from $2.38 to $5.00 per day. Many people thought Ford was crazy and that he was on the fast track to bankrupt his company. But Ford recognized the human element in mass production and claimed “when you pay men well you can talk to them. Ford’s profits doubled in two years and he made something that was “elite” become accessable to the common man. Fast forward to the present and the value of $5.00 has been dimished. 5.00 can buy a coffee or both a coffee and a donut depending on where your coffee addiction is appeased. Daily coffee consuption and the cost is always being used as an example but it hits home. The other night when my husband was coming home, the reality of this hit me as he told me the story of Lea, a precious 8 year old girl who  overfllowed with such a joy and a passion for life that both inspires and challenges me.

My husband was on his way home and he had to pull over to fix the mirrors on his bike. When he did Little Miss Lea, who was walking with her grandfather who was in his 70s, came up to him and asked him the time. Per usual this became an opportunity in which her story was shared. She and her grandfather had left their village in search of a cousin. Lea got kicked out of school because they were unable to pay her school fees which translated to $5.00 US dollars.( I was just about to type “only” $5.00 but then I recognized the weight that that amount brought to Lea and her grandfather.) They were traveling to their cousin with a hope that he would help them out financially because for Leas grandfather, her schooling was of utmost importance.

They borrowed 3,000 ( 6 dollars) for a taxi to bring them to their cousins place of business. When they got there they were told that He was not on the grounds. The security guard took pity on them and told them where they could find his house. When they got to his house they were told that the cousin traveled but the grandfather had a feeling and instead of leaving he and Lea waited by the house anyway. Not too long after they saw their cousin coming out of the gate in his car. They chased the car and when the window was rolled down the cousin preceded to insult them and he didn’t want to acknowledge their relation to him. So lea and her grandfather are now in a place they know noone with no way to get back to their village. They found a place to sleep and were both bitten by mosquitoes. It also poured all through the night and the next day.

A motobike taxi driver from their village happened upon them and they begged him to help them. He suggested that he take their phone and contact somebody that knew somebody. Needless to say that phone was not seen again. They both started looking for help and after walking a distance from Bristol to Newport that’s where they found James. James asked more about their story and found out the the grandfathers wife was from Ghana and there was a time that she was really sick so she traveled to Ghana but never returned. They don’t know if she just got so overwhelmed with life here and abandoned them or if she is still alive. Leas father was a mason and when they went to find him they were also told that he had traveled to find work in Nigeria and they havent heard from him in 8 months. Leas mother left when she was two, but in all these stories of abandonment this little girl was so joyful and full of life. She could translate fon to french and she even spoke some English. James was burdened by their story and brought them each to a cafeteria where they could get some spaghetti. Lea was troubled because she saw the spaghetti as being too expensive (less than a dollar). James said that when she saw the food her eyes went wide and she ws surprised that it was all for her. In the end, James sent them off with some provisions from our shop and enough money for their taxi and school fees.

The passage in Mark stands out to me because there are so many times that feel like the disciples and cry out how can one feed them bread in this desolate place? I get so overwhelmed by the need and forget that God is still the one that provides. I am challenged by Jesus’ response of do you not yet understand. Its as if he is saying do you not yet understand that I am the bread of life?

Go Love Again

“The Lord said to me, “go show your love again” Hosea 3:1

I remember one summer when my family and I attacked the weeds in our garden. There was this one vine like weed that literally suffocated and overtook our whole plot. It was on the fence, along the barn and back wall, it was also all over the rasberry bushes. Just when we thought we had a good handle on it, we would go back the next day and find that it released its vengence once again. Even when it was pulled off the plants, it still attacked us! We would trip over it or cut ourselves trying to untangle it. I remember being so frustrated by these stupid vines even though they had these cute little spring like appendages. The defeated part of me just wanted to wait till winter and let the the frost kill off the vine but then in hindsight I realize that  if we did allow it, those vines, in their hibernation, would multiply tenfold the next year and we would find ourselves once again in the same predicament. We never realized when these vines initially came we just saw the aftermath of almost destruction as they coexisted within our garden. How similar this is to the things that we let take root in our own hearts minds.

Anger, pain, hurt and rejection are so prevelant in the world today. I am so saddened by the weeds that have taken root in the gardens of our heart. Weeds that flower and bloom can look beautiful on the outside but they are tiny terrors in the  grand scheme of things. Slowly they overtake all that is around them and before you know it, you have a garden of weeds not life giving fruits and vegetables.  A garden of death vines that mock you at every muscle pulled and futile attempt to rid your garden of them.How long must the wounds of our heart infiltrate the healing that comes with the truth of the cross?

It has been a difficult week not only with current events but with recent deaths of  the moms of two young men who are close to my husband and I. Both have lost their moms in a very tragic way and in both cases we stand guilty as charged for not visiting either of these moms in their time of need. We kept putting it off and because of somethings that grew in the shadows of our hearts whether it be fear, frustration, anger or failed expectations, we withheld our encouragement as well as our time. One excuse after another. Weeds 1 Us 0. Christlike failure in the works. We might have failed but God’s stubborn grace and relentless love have not. In the process of uprooting these weeds of our contentious hearts, God is restablishing our fellowship of life and love with the Lord and eachother because as we live in Christ, He refines and shows us the depth of his love and how to lead with that love.

I’ve been brought back to the story of Hosea. A prophet who was called to live out the imagry alluded to in Ezekiel 16. He was called to marry an adulterous wife and regardless of how many times she withdrew her love from him and pursued her old life he still pursued her and loved her more deeply.  A story where Hearts are abandoned to His great love and where grapes are found in the desert.  It hits you like a ton of bricks and threatens to drown you in an unrelenting love.

Whenever I would read this part of scripture before I would just relate it to a relationship between man and woman.  I even used it after a breakup and it is the verse the Lord showed me when He prepared my heart for my husband. But this time, it goes much deeper. It extends to our relationship with others because we “;plant wickedness and reap evil and have eaten of the fruit of deception because we have depended on our own strength.”(hosea 10:13) We see the weeds as beautiful and let them take over the truth of who we are. We want to express our anger in revenge and fight for our rights in self centered demands. “There is no faithfulness no love, no acknowledgment of God in the land. There is only cursing lying and murder, stealing and adultery; they break all bonds and bloodshed follows bloodshed.” (Hosea 4:1) What if we sought out, fought for and loved people more than we love ourselves? What if we led with Christlike love and “maintained love and justice” and reap the fruit of unfailing love? What if we remembered that only HIS mercy triumphs justice?

Hosea, even though the pain and hurt was at the forefront of his mind, still pursued Gomer as God pursues us. When she was in rags and being sold he ransomed her with his love. In the same way even though our hurts and wounds are at the forefront of our minds, regardless of what has been done if Chirst is in you His Agape love is stronger than your own. Without condition his love was displayed on the cross. There was no checklist or sacrifice that needed to be made because His was the ultimate sacrifice. His is the ultimate example of a love unbound. Without borders and boundaries he pursues us with this love. He did not say “ you have done this to me so I won’t die for you” or “Your sin is too great I won’t love you.” Instead he says “; For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whosoever believes in him should not perish but have everlasting life. It doesn’t end there as we so frequently like to do because it continues and says that “For God did not send his Son into the world to  condemn the world but to save the world THROUGH him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only son. Light has come into the world but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. (john3:16-19)

Uproot the weeds in your garden.Anger, sorrow, frustration, fear, bitterness, unforgiveness and anything else that is not a fruit of the spirit. Put some Jesus on your wounds and lead with HIS love.
You are:
Go, LOVE again.

“Our Hope is that as your faith continues to grow, our sphere of activity among you will greatly expand so that we can preach the gospel in the region beyond you” 2 Corinthians 10:15

I once told my Seventh grade teacher that I was going to live in Africa. His response, though he tried to hide it, was one of quiet distain. Like I was too quite and naive to explore beyond the boundaries of my own state never mind that of another country and continent. Dont get me wrong, he was one of my favorite teachers but in that moment I felt as though my hope and direction of where I felt the Lord calling me was too great. Africa was far too different a place for me to step foot in. My love for the culture and my lifelong fascination with missionary work was temporarily hindered. He wasnt the first to question my adamant perusal of a world only understood through pictures and books.

Up until now, I have lived in Africa but I haven’t really lived in Africa. I have lived under the umbrella of organizations and lived on the outskirts of the real Africa. I have been reminded of the four lepers that are mentioned in 2 Kings 7. They lived on the outskirts of the city and were constantly on a two way street of fear and rejection by the people beyond the gates. They had a skin disease that separated them and in reality i think i have developed my own “skin disease”; a yovo complex of sorts. Everywhere I go the color of my skin is pointed out, sometimes in the singsong way taught to young students in the schools and other times its said on a dare or with such malice that I want to respond with the same hint of contempt. I have heard many stories about Africa and many involve the local name for a white person. In Uganda it was Muzungu but here it is Yovo or Oyibo I once thought i would never tire of hearing it but in all honesty lately it is one of the struggles of my day to day. Whats in a name? Apparently more than we know.Just in that name alone, there is a separation between me and the people. The walls are immediately built and fear or past rememberance is quickly established. So many times, especially in our shop I see how people change at the first sight of me. Some immediately become shy and intimated others start demanding things and acting like they have something to prove to me. Its taxing but i realize that its also me that has the built in “yovo complex” because even the Yovo complex has two sides of the coin.

Aside from grocery markets, which I rarely step foot into, everything I buy everywhere i go and everything I do I have to barter for. The problem with that is my french is limited and my knowledge of actual prices is even more dismal. Of course the color of my skin raises the prices to almost double or triple what the locals normally pay. I once had a friend offer to call me a motorcycle taxi to a place i traveled to often. Thanks to my husband i know the acceptable price to travel to this place, but this friend wanted to negotiate almost double the usual price just to make the Kekano (motobike men) happy. Say what? Even our local friends who know that we are missionaries in this country just starting to establish ourselves want me to pay more than I should just to make the people happy. Needless to say I was not happy, I think I actually gave hime a snarky remark just because he became one more person to take advantage of my skin color. I am living here and I don’t want to start off paying through the roof for everything because that will set the tone for the rest of my time here; however long that might be.

Even when I am ministering i find myself relying on my husband to explain things further through

the context of the culture. In prison, everything is translated twice. In french and the local language Fo. Sometimes i have to wait longer before i can begin my next thought because when it is translated things are added to what I said. As soon as i arrive anywhere I am put on the spot to speak because everyone wants to hear from the Yovo. Believe me as much as i try to eat the food and wear the clothes, I don’t blend in well here. This is where my part of the “yovo complex” sets in.

Do you understand why i find myself relating to the lepers yet? In the story of 2 Kings, the lepers ask the question “why stay here until we die?” In other words whats the point of being in a place and not living in it. I mean really living in it. I find myself sometimes so put off by the reaction that my skin color invokes. I can’t communicate directly with the people because of the language barriers as well as an air of fear and intimidation that comes from being a yovo. The Yovo complex is rooted in fear. It is fear personified even on my end.

The Yovo complex is:

Inflated prices just at the sight of me.

The mentality that I have everything and that every picture I take will be used to make me money.

That even though you can speak English you are afraid to because your English is inferior.

Questions of my presence here because why am i in Africa when I have everything I can want in America.

The Yovo Complex is also:

Fear of being ripped off and paying more than you should because of where you come from.

Living on the outskirts of the city and not being able to fully be one with the people.

Washing everything in antibacterial because of a fear or where its been or what has touched it.

It is listening to all the traveler warnings and avoiding the local food.

Being filled with indignation and indifference because of all the above things in the first list.

Even after a year of being here I still struggle with these things. My Name is Rebekah and I am recovering from a yovo Complex. For the first time since my arrival I think I am finally beginning to live here. I am not just living afraid of every outcome. I am no longer going to allow myself to succumb to the fear of the differences. What i did in America I can do here. I can walk around my neighborhood and be free. I can find the same foods to cook with and interact with people. I can just be me.God has called me here and though I don’t always understand it because believe me, as some of you know and have experienced, I can be a shy and quiet person. My personality doesn’t always measure up to the boisterous living of this place. I have noticed that the majority of communication is either loud, louder or loudest with facial expressions to match! As I said, sometimes i wonder why God called me here but I am here and my faith is growing. I want to be all here and I want the love of God to permeate even the darkest corner of this place. I want the lies that have infiltrated this culture and have gone against God’s image of his people to stop. I want the little girl who looks at me with awe and calls me a beautiful yovo to know that she is beautiful, that she is a princess in the sight of the King. I want the prisoners to know that God’s grace is as sufficient for them as it is for me. I want those that feel that they are inferior to

understand that they have what it takes to be more than a conqueror. I want to move past the language barriers and move freely in this place.I don’t want to build something new here, i want to come alongside of these people and encourage them to see themselves as God sees them because His love is being extended to the regions beyond myself. Gods sphere of influence has expanded far beyond my own comprehension.My faith is in action and i want to hear the word of the Lord.Hear what it says; hear it, heed it, believe it and live it out in this place.

“He grew up before him like a tender shoot, and like a root out of dry ground. He had no beauty of majesty to  attract us to him nothing in his appearance  that we should desire him. He was despised and rejected by others a man of suffering, and familiar with pain…he poured his life unto death…for he bore the sin of many and made intercession for the transgressors” Isaiah 53:2-3, 12

It has always amazed me to see life take root in dry ground. Just when you think that everything is forsaken beauty comes from the ashes. Praise is sung when joy comes in the mourning “for the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes the garden to grow, so the sovereign Lord will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations.” (Isaiah 63:11)

What do you do when you feel like you have been cast on dry ground?  When the world is falling out from under you will you still be found standing? Will you find a drop of water in the desert?

I went to prison today. Think Prison Break Guantanamo Bay times 10. Men, Woman, and youth all brought here for various reasons. The depravity of the place hits you first and then the competition starts as the majority of the prisoners strive to make eye contact with you. At the same time you have to veil your eyes because you want to restore some dignity in their nakedness. The clothing is threadbare and the smell is beyond illustration. Those who can afford it create castles in their “rooms” that are separated from the reality of their imprisonment. behind these walls,  it seems like the outside world is lost to you. Corruption flourishes here while poverty follows the inmate to this place. If you were striving to survive outside imagine what it looks like on this side of the gate. Abandoned, burdened with guilt and struggling with your own self worth. How does God’s mercy triumph over this judgement?

When I came home, I posted a vague status on Facebook “Spent the morning in Prison.” Literally within seconds, i received multiple private messages of concern. Some people were willing to find the next flight, others were offering connections to lawyers who deal with international affairs while others were just genuinely concerned. I was comforted to know that there were people who would do what they could to challenge this system. There were people who would intercede on my behalf with prayers and petitions. For these prisoners however,  many of their stories are the same they don’t have the means or the resources to defend themselves. Mother’s won’t acknowledge where there child is and they will tell those who care enough to ask ” oh, he’s traveling, you wont see him for sometime.” Of the prisoners we were able to talk to, there were a couple of them who have spent 8 or more years here and they were still waiting for a trial.

Life still takes root here. “He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him” yet even in this place he still exists. In their confinement the prisoners wrestle with the reality of who He is and the concept of his unfailing love and constant grace.

“Christ bore the sin of many and made intercession for the transgressions.” He above all understands the pain and suffering of each individual prisoner. He knows them by name and knows every struggle, injustice and chain that binds them. Only He can release them from the confines of their physical , spiritual and mental imprisonment. Their guilt is heavy, but God’s love is heavier. Their temptations are many but God’s grace is sufficient for them. The burdens of their circumstances are constant but so is the display of his splendor. For many this place becomes one where “Glory meets suffering. when grace is ushered in for good and the scars are understood.When mercy takes its rightful place. Humanity is overcome by Majesty and his glory is found even here.” (The Hurt and the Healer : Mercy Me)

Hope takes root even in those moments that wallowing seems like the better option. When they want God to leave them alone but instead they find themselves in the arms of a great God whose love draws them in. Deep calls out to deep and their need for healing is found in an unlikely place.  The great light of the world fills the place with grace. Flowers are seen in the weeds and Even in darkness their is light.

“Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse that there may be food in the house. Test me in this” says the Lord almighty “and see if i will not open the  floodgates of heaven and pour our so much blessing that there will not be enough to store it.” Malachi 3:10

Today I am challenged by the book of Malachi. How many times must we doubt God’s overwhelming love for us? How long must we wait for our blessing?When do we bring all that we have to the storehouse? In our lamenting God’s grace is still offered.

The Israelites were challenged on their journey. Could the love of God be felt or did it have to be shown and spoken? They believed everything their eyes told them and took to heart everything their ears heard. Their focus was on what was immediately before them and even behind them. They were being lead into the promised land and yet they still cried out for the leeks and garlic of yesterday. For them, God was so near yet so far away and they pursued their own solutions to a problem that would have easily been rectified had they just trusted in the one that called them. Like the Israelites sometimes it’s easy to become weary in the waiting and I stand guilty as charged.

Sometimes I want to ignore the bleak circumstances that surround me. I want to pretend that my problems are not there. I want to ignore the flood in my living room, the size of my house and the mouse that I need to chase out of it. I want to shut my eyes and forget that there is a rather large ocean that separates me from my family. I want to flood the Lord’s altar with my tears but all these things are only seen with my physical eyes and they make me question “How do you love me?”

Through it all, God’s word and promises are still a reality. He said I am blessed so I am blessed. 10000 Promises and reasons to praise his name. When these things are seen through a filter of faith, I learn that a flooded living room makes washing the floor much easier. Chasing a mouse out of my house brings unexplained joy and shouts of Bravo from a 19 month old. I learn that distance is bridged through technology and the house? The size of a home doesn’t measure the size of the hearts within.

When Malachi bought the message to Israel, the people struggled with God’s love for them as well as God’s image of them. The Lord did not change and we can’t judge the validity of God’s promises by the circumstances we see around us. God promised provision, it may not come when we want it or where we want it but God will provide for us because we are his treasured possessions. Don’t just remember Gods miracles and provision of the past, but remember his promise to see us through in the future.

When we bring our whole tithe into the storehouse it is and outward recognition that everything belong to God. We are keeping nothing back from him. This includes our families our finances and our fears. We can have joy in the trials because we know that our going out is better than the going in. God has not forgotten. He will and he has remembered us. He takes us by the hand and guides us through the seasons all the while reminding us of the truth of his word. Even in the lamenting Gods grace is still offered and it is sufficient for us.

Genesis 45:24 ” See that your hearts do not become troubled along the way”

It is not a new concept to hear about or experience a winding road or a treacherous journey. The excitement and joy of the first steps are cast aside in some places as the momentary struggle gets in your way. Questions and doubts propel you in a state of confusion. You waver in your steps and without a map and no stars in the sky where do you go? In the pain or devastation what reminds you of the journey? How do you reconcile the distance? Sometimes you just have to put one foot in front of the other and keep walking though every step is painful.

The journey, the story, inspires me. Especially when I am reminded of some of the heroes of our faith who held onto and trusted that God’s way would prevail. That each step brought them closer to their destination. They cried, they lamented, they brought their questions to God but they still put one step in front of the other and found God’s manna in each day.

Joseph is one such example. With all he suffered you would think he would have become bitter and angry toward God his family and the people around him but despite his journey he remained positive and faithful through adversity. When his brothers came before him and they were preparing to return to Canaan, Joseph’s advice to them was “see that your hearts do not become troubled along the way.” A dear friend once pointed out this verse and offered a profound thought along with it. (although she has no idea that I have been turning this thought in my heart since February….) She read this verse and commented that it’s as if he he saying ” I told you the truth and assured you that everything is going to be okay. Don’t start doubting me as time passes and you’re far away and things become unreal.” I was moved by this thought and it has held much weight in the current progress of my journey.

We have had quite the difficult month on all areas of the spectrum. It started when my son had a high fever that resulted in a seizure because of Malaria. Then Just when we found out that we were expecting again, i found myself being rushed into surgery because the pregnancy was ectopic and the baby was not growing in the right place. But with every step, I am breathing in God’s grace and seeing more and more that i never walk alone.

I know I am where I am supposed to be and though there have been moments lately where i have to stop myself from becoming bitter and holding everything against this land and from lamenting in the unfamiliar and forgetting that God hung all the stars in the sky. Even on the darkest night, under heavy cloud cover they are still there…God is still there. I can’t start doubting as time passes because God is still the author of this journey and he richly provides for us, comforts us and encourages us to stand on the side of truth.

My family and I are taking it one step at a time in this healing process and there are days that our emotional limits are being reached, or i should say my emotional limits are being reached. But God is faithful and even though we can’t see the reasons now we know that this too is part of our testimony.

“You will be rich in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God. This service you perform is not only supplying the needs of God’s people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God… and in their prayers for you because of the surpassing grace God has given you. Thanks to God for this incredible gift! ” 2 Corinthians 9:11-12, 14-15

If you did not get paid for your job would you still show up everyday? If someone beat you, causing you to lose a child would you still welcome them into your house? If your neighbor did not show love to you would you still welcome them home with bread? I struggle with these  recent examples of grace because there is still a huge part of me that wants to resist the very definition of grace and cry for justice. I want my friends to stand up for themselves and not be taken advantage of. I want those that have wronged them to suffer. I want the rags to riches story to prevail as the unpleasant circumstances are rectified. Then per normal, I am reminded that grace encourages, grace is compassionate and it has no loophole because grace does not stop in our silence or in our own lack of generosity. Grace is unmerited favor that takes the world by surprise and its in grace that we release our grip on controlling our situations and allow God’s grace to speak.

Grace steps in our way and injures our pride. It is not a heavy thing to carry but our guilt trips makes it a heavy burden to bare. Unmerited and undeserved, grace is not hindered by our first encounters. Something so freely given is the hardest thing to receive. Sometimes I find myself trying wrap my mind around the very essence of what grace is, then grace is found in the common place. A word that is so simple yet so rich in meaning should be held in reverence, but God gave it to us so freely. It is in the situations that I mentioned that the impact of grace hits me even more. The writer of Hebrews tells us, “See to it that no one misses that grace of God” (12:15) So in other words, Gods unconditional and unmerited kindness toward us means that our words and actions should reflect God’s grace in us. Grace makes sense when you are not being paid for your job but you still show up. Grace is the bread that welcomes a neighbor home and grace is keeping your arms and house open to those who have hurt you. If that’s not a slap in the face, I don’t know what is. To understand that grace is so much more than 5 simple letters.

Today, my heart is continuing to be strengthened by grace.

“It is good for our hearts to be strengthened by grace” Hebrews 13:9